If you are the light

then why do I feel this dark?

What broke in my heart?

Hearts so hardened

from lie after lie

since fortune shined

Time has past

since stars aligned

But this is the year

where dragons reign

Luck is born

and times will change

While I believe

in faith not fate

I want to cherish

and celebrate

A new year

A new time

A dark dragon

Mystery sublime

(Sung) K-k-k-katie Beautiful Katie, You’re the only one that I-I-I adore

On 660 Avenue G

In small town Boulder City

this songs rings out

in a sight voice

from a small woman

rocking a five year old me

her soft hand caressing my soft hair

hugging me on her lap

and I never felt so happy

so pretty

so loved

(Sung) When the m-m-m-moon shines, over the cowshed, I’ll be waiting at the k-k-k-kitchen door.

Sitting by my kitchen door

I hear her voice

sing those word

as I hear the news

she’s gone

and I cry

the kind of tears one sheds

for the death of childhood

She was more than my grandmother

she was my champion

and everything good I remember about being little

Love me,

Please go ahead and love me

Love me for who I am and could be

Instead of all I’m not

See me,

See me

Take a moment and see me

See deep into my soul and heart

Instead of all my faults

Pick me,

Pick me

Will someone just pick me?

Pick me and make me belong

Instead of all alone

Believe in me

Believe in me

Promise to believe in me

Believe that I am extraordinary

and I promised I will be

Pornography of the soul

You wore it to death

Beauty for ashes

I do not understand why

You’d do that for me

I kept Jesus in my pocket

with Barbie’s hair brush

and my glitter pen to write down lyrics

Because kids always keep the best and most precious things on them

for fear of them becoming lost

But just like so many accessories, poems, and hair ties

Jesus was constantly misplaced

I could never remember to take good enough care

My valuables were never valued

Until I couldn’t find them anymore

And like any good kid, the tears would come

and my heart would break over my stupidity and carelessness

because my actions and heart never matched

I cared but I was careless

And while I’d like to think things have changed since I was seven

That I have changed

I keep forgetting Jesus

the way I forget that dollar bill in my jeans

only to find it (and him)

when something needs to be cleaned

So

here I am

crying childlike tears

trying to find what’s precious

again

Scared

Slowly I am fasting and drowning in a rerun of thought

the remote is out batteries

and I am too lazy to make the channel change myself

Will this ever get better?

Or will I

and this

stay stuck in neutral

Not good

Not bad

Just nowhere

Just beige

I want what’s missing

I just don’t know what color that is

so how can you get what you don’t know what you want

when you just know it’s not this

Or especially simple

When one sells candy

and I miss him already

Why should it be

that I long for him

who does not long back

and dismiss the one

who won’t relent?

My heart is fickle that way.