New Poem: 3 Months

I have started writing again.

3 Months

3 months have passed

and I have not written one poem about you

because

I am afraid

afraid that once written in ink

on a bare page…

I will feel it all too much again

 

And I would like 3 months where the last 7 years did not exist

I don’t want to relive

crying on your bedroom floor

suffering from discovering your lies

begging you to love me like you use to

or fighting each other by throwing insults with slaps

breaking phones and hearts into pieces that neither one of us could repair

 

I don’t want to remember

and write poems

about your infidelity and my willingness to continue to sleep with you

because I would rather feel all that hurt than go home alone

or poems about

my self injuring progressing with every letter I found

from less complicated girls who did not know your self sabotaging ways or your ability to lie through your kisses

 

If I write it all down

then it will all be true

And I won’t be able to pretend that it never happened

or ignore that I was that dumb girl

The dumb girl who loved you more than she ever should

The dumb girl who lost a family she never had

The dumb girl who is paranoid all the time

The dumb girl whose legs hold every burn as evidence

 

I just wanted 3 months

where my heart didn’t break

where my pain was buried deep

 

But I can’t write poem and be true if I can’t write in ink what we paid in years

Because a poet without a past is a liar

And I heard somewhere that “truth is beauty” and “there’s beauty in the breakdown”

I’m not sure if that’s true or what it even means

I just know

that I’m tired of being ugly

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